please please please let me let me let me

I am paralyzed by anxiety. The feeling is not new; I've felt it before. Is it worse now? Is it less bearable? I don't really know, but I don't think so.

Those who miss college once it's over have never felt like this, or at least they didn't very often. I feel completely adrift. I spend every spare second trying not to think about it.

So, what am I doing? Can I fix it? I sit here in my apartment, stifling and squalid, full of dust and beer bottles, and try to work through whatever the fuck this is.

Let tonight be different. Let tomorrow be the same. This is not about school, or my 4.0, or any external factor preventing me from getting shit done. This is about me.

Okay, I'm going now.

Not Dead (Yet)

I just haven't had much to say of late. School and work are quite taxing; I'm taking 19 credit hours and still working 20-odd hours per week. On the other hand, though, I am kicking school's ass so far. I think I'm at 100% in all of my classes. Wait, you guys don't care about this.

Yeah, all I really do is go to school, work, watch TV on the internet, and drink whiskey. I'm actually legitimately interested in my classes this semester, though. I'm taking some upper-level seminars, and I'm enjoying them more than I've enjoyed school since about... well, since elementary school. They don't give me much to talk about, though. Syntax, anyone?

Actually, now that I think about it, I have two classes for which I have to write a paper/do a project/make a presentation about the language situation in a particular country, and I think I'm going to choose South Korea so I can pick Blake's brain/tell her all about it.

Sorry so boring. Maybe I'll get all angsty and write something good next week. We'll see. I'ma go Pursue some Trivia now.

a response; I'll write again soon

pigeons and pidgins and dirty feet

I never realized how disgusting pigeons were until I moved to "the city" and they set up shop on my front porch.

I thought I hated my classes this semester, but in retrospect, I love every last one of them for the random facts they put in my head/the thesis topics they've given me (Korean academic discourse/verb shells, what what!).

My apartment floor is so dirty that my feet look like those of a decrepit street urchin, shoeless and destitute. I'm sweeping and mopping on Thursday, I promise.

fucking enablers

How am I ever going to learn to stop procrastinating if they keep letting me get away with it?

almost there

The days have bled together, the hours intermingle... two more papers and an exam, and it's all over. Wish me luck.

Last summer, I moved here. I feel like I haven't really relaxed since the summer before.

what a month

In March 2009, these things have happened:

• I have fallen on my face, quite spectacularly.
• I have lost my flu virginity and coughed a lot.
• In fact, I have coughed riotously enough to injure my ribcage, causing pain severe enough to warrant X-rays.
• I have had to get someone to work for me on at least four occasions, and have thus been broke.
• My mother has been laid off.
• I have learned that I will not be able to study in Guanajuato this summer.
• I have neglected my schoolwork.
• Nb has gotten pinkeye in both eyes, which I have (knock on wood) not yet succumbed to.
• I have gotten a $42 parking ticket.
  

Good things have happened, too, but it's all culminated into this big, steaming mess. After finishing this blog, I am going to set about doing schoolwork and fixing what I can.

Wish me a felicitous April, please. For psychological reasons, I have decided that it begins tomorrow, Gregorian calendar be damned.